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Art Credit: Jano Tantongco, jano.tantongco@gmail.com
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Too often, we cling to what feels familiar, even when it harms us or others. We shy away from what’s better because it feels odd or awkward.
Understanding Ego-Syntonic vs Ego-Dystonic
Change can feel unsettling when the familiar feels “right” but continues to lead us into cycles of suffering. Ego-syntonic behaviors that feel natural and acceptable often trap us in the deadening cycle of the habitual. On the other hand, ego-dystonic behaviors, which feel alien or uncomfortable, are frequently necessary for growth. By recognizing this dichotomy, we can begin the process of transforming behaviors that no longer serve us and embrace those that lead to healthier outcomes. It is vital to confront those aspects of ourselves that we have long rejected and bring them into the fold for integration.
Balancing Empathy with Self-Confrontation
Navigating personal growth often requires us to balance empathy for ourselves with an honest confrontation of our behaviors. Habits that may feel comfortable are usually ego-congruent, making it difficult to identify them as problematic. However, embracing ego-conflicted actions—those that are new but feel unnatural or wrong at first—can open the door to profound self-discovery. To progress, we must look at our patterns critically and learn how to align our actions with our deepest values.
Facing the Reality Principle
The reality principle introduces a necessary contrast between what feels instinctively comfortable and what is factually beneficial. Frequently, the behaviors that lead to suffering feel most familiar. By engaging with the reality principle, we allow our ego to form a relationship with the consequences of our choices. This relationship fosters an alignment with the truth of our circumstances, revealing that ego-opposing behaviors, though initially uncomfortable, are often the path to freedom.
Making Friends with Rejected Parts of Ourselves
Reaching true self-acceptance means making peace with the parts of ourselves that we have previously rejected. These aspects, often residing in the unconscious, can be sources of significant potential if integrated correctly. Growth occurs when we welcome those ego-disturbing parts of ourselves that challenge our current self-concept. This process deepens self-understanding and strengthens our ability to navigate future changes.
The Importance of Corrective Experiences
Corrective experiences can help us shift our behaviors from ego-aligned to ego-alien, giving us a clear sense of what needs to change. These experiences allow us to test our assumptions and see the potential consequences of our actions in real-time. Engaging in these experiences creates opportunities to confront and change long-standing patterns that no longer serve us.
Aligning Ego with Authenticity
Often, the things that align with our deepest authenticity feel foreign to the ego. Our ego prefers the comfort of familiar, ego-coherent behaviors, even harmful ones. Change occurs when we gradually align our ego with the most authentic aspects of ourselves. Through this alignment, we find the courage to embrace behaviors that initially feel ego-chaotic but lead to greater fulfillment.
The Power of Self-Reflection in Therapy
Therapy offers a powerful space for self-reflection, where we can explore the difference between ego-aligned and ego-clashing behaviors. It provides a structured environment for recognizing the unconscious forces that drive us and bringing them into conscious awareness. Through the therapeutic process, we can identify behaviors that trap us in cycles of suffering and work to embrace healthier, ego-dystonic patterns.
Challenging the Familiar for Personal Growth
We must learn to challenge the familiar behaviors that keep us trapped. Often, we find that behaviors we once considered integral to our identity no longer serve us. By confronting these familiar, ego-compatible patterns, we make space for new ways of being that align more closely with our true selves. It is through this challenge that we open ourselves to personal growth.
The Role of the Unconscious in Decision-Making
The unconscious plays a significant role in shaping our behaviors. While the ego often clings to what feels right, the unconscious holds a deeper understanding of what is truly beneficial. By engaging with our unconscious mind, we can tap into the archetypal level, allowing us to make decisions that reflect the Self’s interests rather than our habitual patterns.
Releasing Attachment to Harmful Patterns
Harmful behaviors can feel like second nature, making it difficult to let go. However, we can break free from destructive cycles by consciously confronting these ego-fluent behaviors. The process involves recognizing the patterns that keep us stuck and releasing them in favor of more life-affirming alternatives.
Embracing Discomfort as a Path to Change
Change often feels uncomfortable, especially when it involves embracing ego-clashing behaviors. Discomfort signals growth, and we create the space for positive transformation by stepping into that discomfort. The challenge lies in recognizing that our discomfort is not a sign to retreat but an invitation to move forward.
The Influence of Perfectionism on Self-Perception
Perfectionism can be an ego-coordinated trait that feels aligned with our sense of responsibility and work ethic. However, this trait can often lead to stress and burnout. By challenging the belief that perfectionism is necessary, we open ourselves to a more balanced and compassionate approach to ourselves and our work.
The Journey from Denial to Acceptance
Denial of ego-clashing behaviors can keep us stuck in harmful cycles. The first step toward change is often recognizing that these behaviors exist. From there, we can begin the acceptance process, integrating these aspects of ourselves into a more complete and authentic self-concept.
Resisting the Temptation to Avoid Change
It is tempting to avoid change, especially when the familiar feels safe. However, personal growth requires moving beyond what feels comfortable and engaging with the unknown. We can embrace the changes necessary for a more fulfilling life by resisting the temptation to stay in our comfort zones.
Confronting the Fear of Growth
Fear often accompanies the process of change. The fear of stepping into the unknown, of embracing ego-novel behaviors, can be overwhelming. Yet, confronting this fear unlocks the potential for growth. Growth requires courage and a willingness to face our fears head-on.
The Dynamics of Change in Relationships
Change does not happen in isolation; it also affects our relationships. As we begin to embrace new behaviors and ways of being, our relationships may shift. This dynamic process requires open communication and a willingness to engage with others as we grow and evolve.
Learning to Trust the Process of Transformation
Trusting the process of transformation is key to lasting change. While the journey may be uncomfortable, it is essential to have faith that the changes we are making will lead to a better outcome. By trusting the process, we allow ourselves the space to grow and evolve at our own pace.
The Role of Compassion in Personal Growth
Compassion is essential in the process of change. We must approach ourselves with kindness as we confront ego-congenial behaviors that no longer serve us. Growth is a challenging process, and by practicing self-compassion, we create a supportive environment for transformation.
Rewriting the Narrative of Self
Changing ego-sympathetic behaviors often requires us to rewrite the narrative of who we believe we are. This process involves letting go of old stories that no longer serve us and creating a new, more authentic self-concept. By rewriting our narrative, we free ourselves from the limitations of the past.
Integration as the Final Step in Growth
The final step in personal growth is integrating all parts of ourselves, including those that once felt ego-jarring. This integration allows us to move forward with a greater sense of wholeness and alignment. It is through this process that we truly become our most authentic selves.
~ Joseph Lee
HERE’S THE DREAM WE ANALYZE:
I am in my home with a baby daughter who arrived unexpectedly without a pregnancy. I am worried I won’t be able to breastfeed her as she seemed to come out of nowhere, and I’m afraid my body won’t be able to provide for her. However, I think practically, and realize that bottle-feeding might be better as I do this on my own, allowing others to help me more easily. I have nothing ready for her, but I am excited to plan our life together and buy her what she needs. I am not daunted by this new responsibility. It feels so positive and full of love. Suddenly, I am in an old and dated sluice room of a hospital, and the baby has turned into a boy with the same name as my ex-partner. I feel such vitriol and dislike for this little boy. I don’t want to breastfeed him or even buy him anything that he needs, so I ask people to donate their old things. I don’t want him. I don’t have the same worry about breastfeeding him; I hardly even want to hold him. I am so begrudging to give him anything. I try to think of stories to tell people about his name, but I know they will see through it and realize he has the same name as my ex-partner, which makes me feel embarrassed. I know I can give him back as I did not give birth to him, but I feel like I have to keep him.
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I liked Joseph’s description of the Doughnut Client. He has the workings of a good story/book, (The Devil and the Doughnut) haha.
I shouldn’t probably mention this, but there’s a place outside Baltimore called Diablo Doughnuts. It’s pretty good, almost hedonistic.